Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I want to fling myself into the sun
i think im in europe. pls send help
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