she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
