Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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