Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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