wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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