You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
