this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
