he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize