Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
