I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You smell like stripper and shame
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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