That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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