apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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