hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
