i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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