they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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