He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
