I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
