I have demons in me.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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