Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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