I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
