This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
