Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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