i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
