Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
