batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
