I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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