he wants to bone in the snuggie
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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