I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
