I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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