pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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