I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
