i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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