I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
