I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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