Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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