the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
