life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
