omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i believe in u and ur pee
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
