After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
