Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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