After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
