Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
