My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
