I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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