Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
