Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Michael Bay diarrhea
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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