eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
