Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
