who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize