I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
