my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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