haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
