mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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