So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
