i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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