I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
