Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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