I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize