I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
