i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
