My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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