They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
