The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
